Things about publishing that make me cry (and things that don’t)

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Before I got my book deal, I was sure that hearing those magic words from my agent – ‘we’ve got an offer’ – would make me burst into tears, or make my heart explode with euphoria, or fill my gaping chasm of self-doubt with confidence and validation and turn me into a New, Shiny, Better Author Person.

So it was a bit disconcerting, really, when it did none of these things.

I remember feeling a little rush of excitement, but my overwhelming feeling was relief. I just thought – thank GOD. I’m not a deluded idiot – I can actually write after all! Also, I was worried about money at the time, and being told I was going to get some actual cash for my six months’ of risky work was a huge weight off my mind.

But I didn’t cry. The whole thing – and this feels like a terrible confession but I like to be honest because if we’re not honest about these things then really, we’re just cheating the world – felt a tiny bit anticlimactic.

I didn’t run around the garden screaming, or sob down the phone to my agent or call my friends and relations and declare that I’d made it, finally, or… do anything really. I was very calm and businesslike about it all. It made me wonder if I was, in fact, dead inside. I was disappointed with myself. In comparison with the weeks when my book was on submission, and I was going crazy with nerves and anxiety, it was all rather… flat. 

What was wrong with me? Did I not really want to be an author? Had I been fooling myself all along?

After the dust had settled a bit and the deal was done, I remember feeling a little worried that I hadn’t had one of those ‘OHMYGOD MY LIFE’S AMBITION HAS COME TRUE’ moments. What was wrong with me? Did I not really want to be an author? Had I been fooling myself all along?

I tried to tell myself it was fine. I’m a pretty chilled person anyway, usually on a relatively even keel (unless I haven’t had enough sleep, or my book is on submission, and then I go a bit insane).

But months later something strange happened. I received my contract in the post, and I had to sign two copies and return them. As I read it over (understanding about 13% of it, but that’s what agents are for), I found myself welling up. And suddenly I was sobbing. Maybe it was the fact it was finally official. But there you are. It hit me in the end, months later, when I was home alone trying to decipher legal jargon and nobody knew what I was doing. 

I’ve come to accept over the past year and a half that my writer-joy-tears will come when I least expect them. It’s completely unpredictable. When I first saw the cover for The Rival, my eyes filled up, and my whole body was covered in goosebumps. But I weirdly didn’t cry when my proof copies arrived, or even when my finished hardback of The Rival arrived. I was pleased to see them, and it was wonderful to hold a proper book in my hand, but I didn’t burst into tears as I opened the box. (More than anything I remember thinking, argh all those bloody words, thank god I don’t have to read them ever again…).

Anyway the point of this embarrassingly verbose post is to share with you the fact that the writer-joy-tears did visit me again recently. They popped back up when my proof pages for Unfollow Me arrived earlier this week.  

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Proof pages aren’t that exciting to look at – just a massive pile of A4 sheets that need to be read carefully one last time – but there’s something about seeing my words so beautifully typeset that moistened the old eyeballs yet again. I suppose it’s similar to the contract – it’s the moment when it suddenly feels official, as though it’s a baby that’s grown up and got a degree all on its own. That’s a shit metaphor, but it’s the best I can come up with at the moment.

So yes, it was nice to feel the writer-joy-tears again. I wonder when they’ll next visit? Perhaps half the fun is in not knowing.

The RIVAL is currently available for just 99p in the Kindle Spring Sale! UNFOLLOW ME will be published in June.


The joy of limbo

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A bit of a weird post, this one, but please bear with me!

I wanted to write a post as a kind of virtual 'bookmark' to myself. To remind myself of this stage of my 'story' (sorry, terrible bookish puns will dry up eventually). It's struck me lately that this period in my life - the run up to the publication of my first novel - is quite unlike any other time, and is possibly going to be the best bit of the whole thing. I wonder if other authors feel like this?

Allow me to explain, in case you think I'm bonkers. At the moment, The Rival has been signed off editorially, which means it requires no more work from me. Now I'm very proud of the book, but I'm also a bit sick to death of it, having read it approximately 8000 times, and worked on it for the best part of a year. All that hard slog is over now, and it's ready to be 'born'. It's been edited and preened and pruned to perfection, and now all I have to do is wait for it to be unleashed on the world. And in that respect, I'm kind of in limbo.

But it's the best type of limbo, as I've signed a contract, received some actual money for it (which by the way is no less of a thrill than I had hoped it'd be - someone paying you cold hard cash for something you created from nothing is absolutely awesome) and I know it will be published, which has given me a wonderful sense of validation I've never had before. But - and this is the critical bit - I've yet to bear the agony of a reviewer telling me it's shit, or reading a GoodReads review that tells me the reader couldn't be bothered to finish it, or find out that no one outside my family has bought a single copy.

Hopefully none of those things will happen. Or at least not all of them. But they are all possible, and have happened to much greater and more talented writers than me.

I am terrified of reviews. I wish I had the self-discipline not to read them, but of course I will. I'll be checking every damn morning as soon as I wake up. Writing a book is so bloody achingly personal, and there's something so painful in people telling you that something that you poured your soul into is a load of old crap. Or that your characters are unlikeable when you love them. Or that they guessed the twist (oh how reviewers love to tell you that they've guessed the twists! Clever old you!). I am DREADING it.

I've had my fair share of rejections - after all, getting a book deal is 99% about overcoming rejection and I like to think I have a pretty thick skin. As a journalist I've had my work edited until it's unrecognisable and brushed off the bruises. But even though reviews are just rejections too, they're so public, it's somehow a different kettle of fish entirely. I am currently trying to develop tactics to stay sane when I read my first one-star review. I hope I won't fall to pieces.

As for the book being a total flop, that's another legitimate and massive fear. And as a control freak, it's so hard to deal with the fact that the book's success is not within my control at all. It's about so many factors - timing, the market, whether or not particular retail buyers want to stock it, how the PR/marketing campaigns go...

A lot of authors have said that having your first book published can really impact your ability to write another one - as it's so distracting and all-consuming, and confidence-knocking when you hear people tell you what you've written is crap. I suspect huge success is equally distracting - that immense pressure to live up to expectations with your next book. I was so conscious of this that I was determined to finish my second book before the first was published, and I have done, thankfully. But now I'm wondering if there's time to squeeze out a third? Or how about I just push my publication date further and further into the future? Or how about it just never gets published at all, but someone just pays me to sit at home and write books? Would that be OK?

I hope this doesn't sound too negative. It's not meant to. I'm actually just celebrating the present moment, which really is a time of pure joy. My book is being published. I've achieved something I have wanted to do since I first learnt to read. And I haven't had to deal with any of the hard stuff yet. I want to always remember how this feels - the pride of seeing my proof looking like a real book, the excitement of knowing a team of people love it and are 100% behind it. It's a magical time, this joyful limbo. It feels a bit like being at the top of a rollercoaster, that split-second of peace before you hurtle downwards (and hopefully back up again!).

You can find out more about THE RIVAL on my website, and pre-order here if you want to make my day.