The truth about estate agent euphemisms

estate-agent-speak-lifebylotte In need of modernisation - falling down

Cosy - none of your furniture will fit

Spacious accommodation - one of the rooms downstairs is open-plan

Flexible accommodation - the layout makes no sense

Viewing advised - unless you're the kind of person who likes to buy houses they haven't seen before

Secluded location - no one will hear you scream as you're murdered in your bed

Off-street parking (in London) - enjoy the view of your car parked in front of your living room window

Low-maintenance garden - a yard

West-facing garden - still not south facing though you suckers

Blank canvas - a building site

Architect designed - weird looking

Charming - see 'cosy'

Rarely available - impossible to value

Popular location - good luck finding a parking space on the street

Within catchment area of Very Good School - £21,000 more expensive than houses round the corner

Well located - wave at the people on the bus as they go past your bedroom window

Potential to extend - we refuse to be held liable if you can't get the planning

Tremendous scope for improvement - knackered

Much-loved family home - knackered

No onward chain - gold dust

Ideal investment opportunity - short lease

Well presented - a magnolia nightmare

Light and airy  - all the walls are white

Within metres of the station - insomniacs best not apply

Tree-lined road - beware the dog poo

Call to avoid disappointment - if we big it up maybe someone might book a viewing

Beautifully presented - done up to the nines by someone who watched too much Changing Rooms

Within easy reach of the station - too far to walk, not far enough to drive. Ergo, a frustrating distance

Fabulously honest in presentation - a shithole and we can't even be bothered to lie about it

Any obvious ones I've missed?! Do share in the comments below!

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